Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
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What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
watergate? u mean a dam??
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]