Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
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How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*