*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
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🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.