Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
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[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.