[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
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“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Writing, She Murdered.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed