Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
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Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Florida be like…
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.