[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
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you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.