If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
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Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference