My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
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My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.