Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
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Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
Muppet Screams
Follow me for more life hacks.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M