stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
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When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van