My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
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When can I start eating bats again.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Spa day..😅
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.