it’s finally my moment to shine
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I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Wake me when AI does housework
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Y’all know who you are.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?