According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
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*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.