ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
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Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
I don鈥檛 want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don鈥檛 tell me what to do.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 馃槀
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 馃槶 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Taco Bell, Exit 22
My boss called in sick of me
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
New favorite tiktok
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
If I鈥檓 grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.