Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
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Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
the composer
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.