RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
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[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*