My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
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Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
your honor my client chooses dare
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!