I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
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wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
That’s a good costume, I hope.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.