an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
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to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.