Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
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Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars