I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
You Might Also Like
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping