Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
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*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Somebody call the cops.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.