My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
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[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.