I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
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doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.