My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
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Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
shampoo implies shampee
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right