Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
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[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth