[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
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LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Me too
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend