Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
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Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*