I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
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Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
I just love that new Pope smell.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.