No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
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“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler