After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
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The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
don’t we all
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound