After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
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“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
you know what ruined my childhood? children
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
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Wikigenius