[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
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A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Air conditioning – not a fan
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific