ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
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If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
the three branches of government
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
“you recording!?”
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.