“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
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About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
I’m giving up for Lent.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.