Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
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Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
What