[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
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[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.