There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
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Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
the saddest jazz hands ever
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”