A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
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When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look