My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
You Might Also Like
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
🤭😂
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think