make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
You Might Also Like
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
I’d love this…lol
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years