Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
You Might Also Like
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason