Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
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Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
The first one, obviously
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.