I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
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Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.