I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
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My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too