[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
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[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
pls suprot
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Me, flirting😏
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.