A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
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Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.