I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
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Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.