How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
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No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
A Match(.com), but for socks.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Yup.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams